A while back my mother in law called to say there was a report about how smoking triggers off cancer way faster than everything else. Alright I knew about it, I have read reports and heard stories and seen pictures, and the thought of quitting has never occured to me. Why it never occured to me is I really enjoy smoking…it’s like a part of me now, and I have seen people spend more than half their lives smoking and nothing has ever happened to them. My logic always was that I am not going to have a baby, so why at all should I quit something that I can always fall back on? And the second thing was that, if cancer has to happen to me, as it probably will because ovarian cancer is hereditary, would I stop for the fear of dying? Or, worse, for fear of being incapacitated? Those can happen each time I go out on the road, or enter the kitchen. I could die or be permanently paralyzed in a road accident, in a leaked gas incident, in a sudden electric shock…anything could happen. Why blame my habit alone?
But this was the first time someone from the family actually spoke to me. Ok, she had earlier, but we rubbished it the last time because we thought it was more an image issue of the daughter in law smoking, more than health concerns. And this time she did talk about the health concern…the fact that I mean a good deal to her and a lot of family and the fact that I cannot afford to throw my life away on a whim. Sure, I could die any time, or be entirely dependent on someone else for the rest of my life to even lift my hand, but that could all be accidental, not because I forced it on myself. But smoking is what I am forcing on myself. C’mon let’s quit defiance for a moment and get honest, smoking does have its own issues, issues that are definitely harmful, that may change life inch by inch. So am I actually making myself an easier victim to the big C by lighting up and smoking 25-30 cigarettes a day?
I don’t really know. I am slightly scared, and more so by the fact that I have to sneak in cigarettes to no-smoking zones like zoos and parks, because I am so entirely dependent on cigarettes that often times I feel sick when I cannot smoke for a long-ish time. Each time I wake up in the middle of the night, for whatever reason, I need to smoke. I’ve begun to believe that smoking helps dissipate pain during menses, I smoke in a fight to calm down, I smoke when I am bored…and this is really not getting anywhere except perhaps raising the cost of cigarettes per day.
But would I quit? I told her I shall think about it, and I meant to. but I have had over five cigarettes in the last two hours…right after I hung up the phone. Can I quit? Do I have the desire or even the strength to give up the one thing that really makes me ok? Will I remember the cancer scare after I watch Friends on TV in a while? I don’t know. I know I need to, eventually, but I don’t know if I can.
Also, big respect to the mum in law for mustering enough strength to talk about it after being rudely snubbed the last time. Just shows she cares a bit more about me than I thought.
May be I should quit after all. Or, may be I can hope for the best and assume I will be safe for life.
Oh, fuck. I hate choices.
Filed under: Goa Blues
You have the strength and for the first time i saw the desire to quit .. so go ahead gurl and chuck the smokes out …
and yes you are right none of us know what tomorrow will bring for us .. but why force it to bring the inevitable.
Cheers to you ….
First. Nice pic.
Second. My grandpa died of nasal cancer triggered by cigars and snuff. So I’m at least in a similar canoe – if not the same bloody boat – as you.
Third. Road accidents, leaked gas incidents and sudden electric shocks are exactly what they sound like – accidents. Other than keeping your eyes open and your ears wax-free (I bluntly accuse you of doing neither), there’s not much you can do to stop them. Smoking you can.
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On a more serious note, our little plan to phase out the cheapo trash we smoke is still in the wings, right?
Initially, I thought it sounded doable – replace two packs of Four Square with a pack of Gold Flake (kings). Costs about the same, tastes infinitely better and halves the tar. We win.
Of course, I’ve chosen to sweetly ignore the fact that GF sticks are rather longer than FS. But, hey, the tobacco’s inherently better, right? That should help!
Come on – surely the inferior product packs the more potent carcinogens…
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So, in effect, via all the meandering, I’m suggesting we move from 60 small ones per head per day to 30 big ones.
Hmmm…
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Try as I might, that doesn’t sound convincing – the numbers are still too big.
My mistake – we have to move from 30 to 15 per head per day. That sounds infinitely better (read: almost convincing, this time)!
We win. Again.
Arjun — Thanks for the support, dude.
d — first, thanks, and you’ve taken it. Second, Grandpa…mum…i am talking about a direct line here, not a skipped generation. Besides you smoke lesser and with greater intervals. I smoke one every half hour or less. Third, I do keep my eyes open and my ears wax free. You’re the one that regularly cannot hear what I am saying. I can’t hear you because you mumble. I do admit having more accidents at home than you though. But yes, I have thought about the GF plan, but honestly, do you think it will help? Smoking for me is a habit, way more than addiction and I smoke when I need something to do, or when I am distracted. 15 seems to be too little for the best part of the day that I spend alone. So if I have to reduce I have to do it on FS. I cannot incur greater costs and see it as a failure. Though I appreciate your math, I don’t think it will work out for me. I am willing to try what my mother in law and Rudrajit said instead….chew gum to cut down. Oh, and love you for the picture.
[...] Should I Really Quit? [...]
Four Square? That trash is still available? And you smoke that? See, all this time I was trying to be supportive with what you do with your life because like you I believe one should do every thing one wants to in life, rather than regret not doing it later, but this, I am sorry, is pure madness.
The reason why a Marlboro or a Gold Flake is better is, they have a certain amount of refinement in the tobacco that a brand like Charms or Four Square can never dream of. I personally believe that it is better to have four Gold Flakes a day rather than two Four Squares, and that is because you are not taking in as much shit in the former as in the latter. See, Suchismita, there is a reason why a packet of Gold Flake Kings is priced at Rs. 40 and a pack of Four Squares is less than half that price. It is not just the size (if you cut out the filter for a kings it is approximately the same size as a Four Square) but the quality of tobacco and filter used that matters, that makes it safer. And frankly, quality does come with a price. So if you think you can’t afford to spend so much and are willing to screw your health, it’s great. Continue smoking that trash. Else, do what D has said, move to better cigarettes till you can cut down or quit.
Accidents could happen to anyone. But only a fool would invite death the way you’re doing with Four Square. You’re not a fool Suchismita, only ignorant perhaps. But now you know, so may I hope you will at least make an attempt?
dumb people smoke. period.
http://relate2life.blogspot.com/2008/03/for-smokers-only.html